She is in my trunk
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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