Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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