pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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