I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
