I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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