I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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