So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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