My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
