im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You ruined the universe
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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