do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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