Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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