Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
