he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How's work?
Spinning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
