Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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