You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
