Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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