My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
