Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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