How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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