I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
