i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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