If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
