Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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