Sponge bath it is.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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