Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Your cock deserves a montage
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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