i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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