I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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