He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
