New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
