God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
