Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
