Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize