My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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