I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
