I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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