i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
