my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
