I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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