you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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