I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish you could order shots online.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
