you guys were way drunker than both of me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
