thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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