you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
