do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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