I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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