I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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