the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize