You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i believe in u and ur pee
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
