We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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