You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
