the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize