I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
