Who wears a wallet chain?!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
