and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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