Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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