dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
