Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
