My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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