I am in a vortex of obligation.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
