if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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