His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
